Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Random jokes

A friend of mine was struck off the other day, for sleeping with one of his patients:
Damn shame, he was a really good vet.

Two fish are in a tank:
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli:
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf:
And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly:
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two fish swim into a concrete wall:
One turns to the other and says "dam"

Tilesey's blog, high brow entertainment at it's best

Shoulder, shoulder, shoulder

I have recently taken over the role of player/manager for work’s 11-a-side footy team and my second match in charge went well last night. My reign has even brought about the return of the groupies, admittedly they were nothing to do with me and they spent most of the time on the phone, but I’m the boss so I take credit.

Although I enjoy it (ohhh the power, the chicks etc), I’m not too keen on the managing side because it diverts my attentions away from the game as I think about who to sub next, the benefits of the diamond formation, where I should hang my graduation photo in the flat etc, etc. A typical example of this was when a high ball was coming in and I volleyed it away – which meant that all my weight was on one leg and because I wasn’t paying attention to where the opposition were, I didn’t have my weight balanced on the same side that the opposition player would run into me from.

Result: He ran in taking the leg with all my weight on clean from under me. I landed with all my weight on my right shoulder - The impact broke the skin on the top of my shoulder blade. Needless to say, it FUCKING HURTS today so I want loads of sympathy, thankfully I have Tilesey Clan bones tho. Out of my 7 cousins, only 1 has ever broken a bone and we all reckon he has his mum’s (non clan) bones. Plus he’s the only accident-prone cousin, the rest of us tend to cause more accidents than we get into. I was pleasantly surprised although slightly confused to find that I had full rotational movement in the shoulder when I stood up, although slightly gutted because it meant I would have to come into work today.

Now where’s my nurofen….?

Note to self

When applying Radian-B (a nicer smelling form of deep heat) to your affected shoulder, heed both Will's and the packet's warning: Do not apply to broken skin.

Thinking, "Well my skin isn't broken anymore, it was broken yesterday, today it's healing" and, "well, so long as I don't spray any on the bad bit" is all very good. But spraying the hot, hot, burny, stingy stuff on the bad, red, very red bit of skin - is really not the cleverest thing to do and can lead to you pulling funny faces in the bathroom mirror and uttering the time tested pain relieving phase, "fuckfuckbloodybollocksfuckshitbadger".

I'll turn the woosey button to "off" soon. ;-)


I had an arse puckering moment this morning, you know the one – a proper, “Your mum has just pressed eject on your dvd player and you’ve just realised that “Pussy Galore, return of the donkeys” is still in there from last night” type moment.

I have two bookmarks, one is the boarding stub for my flight back from Cape Town two years ago and the other was a rude photo of my (now ex) girlfriend of her in her underwear - which I couldn’t take to SA because I was staying with my Gran for a week. (I am the golden grandchild and such things just will not do)

After my return from SA, I used both for a while. The naughty photo was usually kept in a technical work-related-teach-yourself-at-home-cos-we-won’t-pay-for-it book just to spice it up and the boarding stub was in my night time reading book. (Although the technical one would always send me to sleep quicker)

At around the same time I moved out of the flat I shared with the ex, I misplaced the naughty bookmark. I moved out in some what of a hurry to say the least, so I wasn’t too surprised to have lost the rude photo. Needless to say, I wasn’t too bothered at losing it so it wasn’t an issue. My best guess is that I left it at the flat and she threw it away or it was in one of the many boxes I had scattered at various friend’s houses in Southampton. These boxes have remained unopened for over a year, but I unpacked the techie manual one the other day.

I only thought about the bookmark this morning. Then I tried to remember where I last saw it.

I remembered.

The last time I saw it, it was in a techie book I subsequently took into work and lent to a work colleague, the other day. *Toot*

She didn’t say anything yesterday. But she might not have opened it *toot* * toot*

But I would have noticed the bookmark before handing it over, right? RIGHT!?!